One Morning In The Office Take 5

One Morning In The Office


"Don! How are you? Sacked any more Directors yet?"
"Give me time."
"I've told you time is of the essence don't give them time to think,
change continuously."
"I know, I know... Is that why you sent me the guide?"
"Yes I've updated from last year Kim Sung made some amendments."
"I admire him for one so young."
"He had good training, like Assad, you really should meet up."
"I can't with Assad I just bombed his base."
"I know still nothing damaged and you did warn us first so
I could tell him."
"Shhhh the FBI may be listening?"
"So what you have dealt with them now."
"No, not quite the temporary one is being nasty about me in congress
implying I was wrong."
"Then fire him too, or really terminate - its what the rest of us do."
"That reminds me, on page two of the guide it says
I should assassinate some journalists after I have removed the heads
of police."
"Yes you need to adapt for your own terminology but get rid
of a few journo's and the rest come into line."
"I noticed and Erdogan recommended the same."
"He's following the same programme, we'll soon have it all sorted."
"Shame about Marie."
"Yes and after the Dutch fiasco."
"The hack was too late."
"I've had the head of the team shot for the timing."
"If only I had your control."
"Back to the FBI, send them in armed and have accidental
shooting with terrorism connections always works.
Schools, cinemas, underground stations, all works and adds up."
"I know you are right. What's next on the agenda."
"Is she the short fat one?"
"Yes, but don't worry about her we still have the Stasi files."
"What did she do?"
"Nothing you have to worry about Don. Not as bad as the hotel..."
"You said you would not mention those again."
"Ha Ha just winding you up old friend. Xi says Hi by the way."
"I owe him a call need to coordinate message when
Kim does his next test."
"Will it fail?"
"We have not agreed yet. Now South Korea is coming on line
maybe we should postpone."
"No don't do that we need to keep the tension up.
I wish Kim had agreed to that limited strike idea."
"He needs to learn from Assad too.
Got to keep some world opinion on side."
"You are too soft Don, I'll get Ivanka to give you a rub down."
"Will she?"
"Anything for you Don you know that but
ease off on Twitter it makes you look silly."
"OK Vlad and thanks for the guide."

One Morning In The Office Take 4

One Morning In The Office


"Morning Mr. President"
"Morning Sean"
"Here's the list Rex sent"
"What list?"
"The one you asked for with the countries you haven't insulted or accused yet."
"But there's only one sheet of paper and there's only two countries listed that's if Burkina Faso is a country?"
"I'm told it is Sir."
"Who by?"
"The State Department."
"And you believed them, you sure their not making it up?"
"I checked with Andrew Napolitano at Fox, he say's he's heard of it. South America he thinks."
"We didn't campaign there."
"No Mr. President, South America the continent not south of the USA even though it is, south of the USA I mean."
"Are you trying to hoodwink me?"
"No Sir, I do need to check because I thought it was in Africa."
"You mean we don't know where the country is, what sort of state did Obama let this country get into.
Find it out immediately we can't just lose the location of a country!"
"I don't think it's moved at all."
"Why not? It can move if I want it too. I'm President, Vlad moves bits of countries all the time."
"He does not move them Sir he just annexes bits of territory. In Georgia and the Ukraine."
"He can't have Georgia we have the Masters there."
"The nation Sir not the US State."
"There's a difference?"
"Never mind, so what do we do with this Faso?"
"We can accuse them of harbouring a GCHQ listening post that was used to bug Trump Tower, maybe expel some diplomats."
"Sounds good, get to it."
"I can't I mean we can't Sir."
"Why not?"
"We promised the Brits we would not mention GCHQ again or accuse them of spying on you, you told Theresa May you would not nor the NSA."
"Remind me, is Theresa the one I met this week the short dumpy one who spoke a foreign language?"
"No Sir, that was Angela Merkel the German Chancellor, she wanted to hold your hand like Theresa did."
"But she was foreign and somehow she got in the country despite my Immigration order."
"Germany is not on the order Sir."
"But she is foreign?"
"Most people are Sir."
"Not Americans."
"We best not get into that."
"Now Sir I have your daily security briefing, do you want the one from the NSA or your usual one from Fox News."
"Can't believe the NSA one its all fake news and tell them I'm upset by them failing to confirm Andrew's story."
"I have Sir."
"Good, I'll look at it after Sesame Street, who is left on the list? What's the USSR?"
"Oh that's just Vlad, he suggested he bring back the old name, a traditional branding opportunity his marketing folk have said."
"Clever, I like it so we don't have to insult the USSR."
"No Sir, we do not Russia but the USSR that justifies us increasing defence spending."
"BUt if the USSR doesn't exist we're insulting no one?"
"Exactly Sir."
"How are we gonna pay for it all, I mean we don't get enough in tax."
"No Sir some people have not paid tax in decades."
"It's the American way Sean, I'm not stupid."
"No Sir, very clever. I may have a way out."
"Well according to the State Department Briefing Burkina Faso get some US Aid, we can withdraw it."
"Great and we have an excuse as they have been spying on us, we can call it unnamed agencies used the
place to coordinate spying activity. That won't upset the Angela."
"That's Theresa and very good Sir."
"What can we spend the money on instead."
"A missile."
"How many?"
"Just one Sir a Hellfire I think. we only gave them a couple of million last year."
"Too much, I paid more than that in tax."
"No you didn't Sir."
"That's because I'm clever."
"Yes you are Sir."

One Morning In The Office Take 3

One Morning In The Office


"Mr. President great news."
"What's happened?"
"A judge ruled in our favour."
"About time, so the new Exec order is OK then."
"Not quite, there's one problem."
"What now?"
"It's the same judge."
"The same one?"
"Yeah the one you called an idiot and anti-democratic."
"Did I say that?"
"You did."
"Was I on oath?"
"Shame I could deny it then, the AG did."
"We're working on the statement now."
"Try - we're always supportive of the legal process."
"But that's not true."
"And your point is?"


One Morning In The Office Take 2


One Morning In The Office


"Mr President."
"Good press conference"
"I thought so to."
"Why no questions though?"
"That would have been difficult."
"Well Sir I followed your instructions about fake news."
"Good so you banned all the organisations that have written a story that was not true."
"Yes Sir."
"There's no one left."
"No one?"
"No one?"
"So how are the American people going to hear about all the great things I've been doing?"
"I've lined up some replacements they'll be here in the morning if we can get them an exemption."
"Oh good, what exemption?"
"They're due in school so we need permission to take them out of class and bring them in."
"Understandable which college, Yale, Standford?"
"No Mr President we have representatives from Washington Kindergarten Grade 1."
"Will they be positive?"
"As long as they have a choice of colours with the crayons they have asked us to supply."


Are All Politicians and Commentators ‘Nuts’?

Today in the UK there is brewing one of those made up press rows about which the general population stares in disbelief and has to check it’s hearing.  This row concerns the use of the word nuts.  On BBC TV’s Andrew Marr Show The Prime Minister and leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, was interviewed and asked about the proposed policy of the Opposition’s Labour Party and it’s leader Ed Milliband to increase Corporation Tax for businesses.  The Prime Minister called the policy ‘nuts’ the interviewer tried to turn this into David Cameron calling Ed Milliband nuts but Mr Cameron managed to avoid that potential trap, however, the row is not about the respective merits of the policy which on BBC’s Radio 4 Today programme was not discussed.  Instead it was about the use of the term nuts and linked to a story last week about Asda, a supermarket chain in the UK, withdrawing from sale Halloween costumes described as Mental Patients because they were potentially offensive to Mental Health Patients or sufferers.  This could have led to a more interesting discussion about the continued Americanisation of events like Halloween and the importing of those traditions into the UK instead it was only about whether the mental health lobby was offended. They better not watch One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest or The Shining then, or read/watch any other horror, thriller, crime, story that feature potentially psychotic behaviour.  Let alone Basil Fawlty hitting his car with a branch because it has broken down, or should we just call him nuts, sorry I’m not supposed to use that word it might offend other car hitters suffering from a mental aberration.

What has this to do with writing you might ask?  Censorship, is my answer and in particular self-censorship.  Something that public pressure in the form of media frenzy seems determined to inflict on all of us that write.  Now irrespective of the benefits or otherwise of the political policy why shouldn’t Cameron be allowed to call the policy nuts if that is what he thinks it is.  I’m sure Mr Miliband thinks several of Mr Cameron’s policies are nuts as well and if he does why should he not use that term which is defined in this context in many thesaureses as

Nuts – adjective
(slang)=  insane, mad, crazy (informal), bananas (slang), barking (slang), eccentric, batty (slang), psycho (slang), irrational, loony (slang), demented, nutty (slang), deranged, loopy (informal), out to lunch (informal), out there (slang), barking mad (slang), gonzo (slang), doolally (slang), off your trolley (slang), up the pole (informal), as daft as a brush (informal, mainly, British), not the full shilling (informal), wacko or whacko (informal), a sausage short of a fry-up (slang), psychopathic, off the air (Australian, slang) • Either he’s joking or else he’s nuts. • A number of the players went nuts, completely out of control.

Now some of these uses do imply behaviour that is abnormal and have been linked with slang terms to describe mental illness, but should that stop us using a perfectly good description for a policy – I don’t think so.  There is a worrying habit where perfectly good terms are no longer used by writers and commentators because of fear of offending someone.  Language changes – just look at the term gay for an example, I know what it used to mean, happy, joyful, now it can’t be used in any other context apart from to describe homosexual behaviour.  Will I soon have to stop using nuts to describe some of my favourite food for fear of alienating the mental health lobby that really will be nuts.

Meanwhile I continue to know very little about why Mr Cameron thinks Mr Milliband’s policy is nuts nor do I know what the policy link in the USA is between the latest budget crisis and the existing Health Care policy.  Again the story there was described as a row against President Obama and the Republican Party with neither policy being debated just personal invective fired in all directions.  Whatever happened to reasoned debate.  Again on Radio 4 this was linked to a Republican Congressman reading extracts from a Dr Zeuss book, why was not clear and what that had to do with budget debate was not clear.  This was linked to a doorstop canvasser in Virginia knocking on someone’s door.  Meanwhile the fact that Asian stock markets were down several percent because of the impending budget issue wasn’t mentioned.  Now in a debate on Education or literacy, reading Dr Zeuss may be relevant but the whole article struck me as being nuts and if that offends some mental health experts so be it.  Also nuts was the fact that the BBC like many media outlets instead of calling it that actually gave more air time to that Congressman reading extract from a Children’s book.  As to the actual policies being proposed by Democrats and Republicans we heard nothing.  The story was then linked to the next Presidential Election not even a year since the last one – please are you all nuts!

I’ve used the BBC’s reporting twice here simply because I was listening as I often do to BBC’s Radio Four Today programme.  I used to think the programme provided a cultured insight into the day’s headlines but now seems to be little more than thirty second sound bites interrupted by the presenters trying to get their take on the story.  Of course the politicians don’t answer questions, except Mr Cameron did bluntly, albeit on a TV interview,  then tried not to because he was scared of the language he used.  Now that was nuts.  The fact that he may have joked about the Mental Health lobby was also discussed.  Is it just possible that we could have a debate about the tax policy of the parties rather than a debate about the language used to describe the policy.  How about some facts or am I being nuts!

So what as a would be writer should I do?  Should I add to my earlier rants about controversial subjects by using as many examples of allegedly controversial words as possible?  I’ll self censor here, I don’t want to offend anyone in a blog  so no N, (black) C (female sexual organ), used but I have mentioned them, should I not.  If I was writing 1950’s dialogue in the American South shouldn’t the N word be used.   If I quoted D H Lawrence should I use the C word?  I’m feeling happy should I call myself gay or avoid the words as toxic, use euphemisms in order not to upset people.  Do I have to add loony, nuts, mad and countless others to my proscribed list for fear of upsetting someone.  That would be nuts.  Apparently there are over 1 million different words in the English language with many having multiple meanings depending on context although the  Oxford English Dictionary

contains full entries for 171,476 words in current use, and 47,156 obsolete words. To this may be added around 9,500 derivative words included as sub-entries”

Does this rising tide of words we should not use, mean that the number of words will reduce, do we as a population not just writers want our vocabulary reduced?

Now that really would be nuts!