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"This way Mr. President"
"I know the way, I was Vice-President for eight years you know."
"Yes, Sir, Sorry Sir"
"Why are all these ramps here?"
"Disability access ramps, Sir"
"I know what they are why are they here?"
"Your predecessor stated you may need them given your advancing years and so on."
Spoken louder "YOUR PREDECESSOR.."
"Why are you shouting?"
"You mean Trump."
"We're not allowed to say his name Sir, we had instructions from Vice President, I mean former Vice President Pence, to not allow his name to be mentioned."
"Why were you shouting?"
"We were told you may be hard of hearing due to your ...."
"I'm not hard of hearing and I'm not in a wheelchair"
"But you are older than..."
"Enough!" They enter the famous room. "At last the Oval office."
"We decorated as you wished Sir, the busts and pictures have been changed - caused quite some commotion with your prede.."
Scowl from new President
"... I mean President Trump as he had some other busts he wanted to keep."
"Best we don't go into that."
"No Sir, his letter is on the desk."
"The one with the postmark from Moscow."
"Yes Sir, special delivery."
The President sits behind the desk and surveys the Oval Office. He scans the room with a small smile of satisfaction on his face, before his vision alights on a board on one wall.
"For you Sir to help."
"Isn't that a picture of my wife?"
"Yes Sir, in case you forget."
How dare you! I know who my wife is"
"At the moment Sir, this is in case it gets worse."
"What gets worse?"
"Your dementia, Sir"
"Have you forgotten already?"
"I do not have Dementia!"
"Damn my predecessor!" Takes deep breath. "Who's the Black Lady in the photo's"
"Your VP Sir."
"I have a black female VP?"
"Yes Sir, don't you remember you were elected with her."
"The one on the capital steps?"
"Yes Sir at the inauguration."
"Didn't recognise her without her mask. Where is she?"
"Managing the Senate and drawing up your first executive orders. They should be here later this morning. She sent instructions to make sure you have your afternoon nap and I have to disconnect the hot line."
"The Moscow hot line?"
"No, Sir the Deliveroo and MacDonald fast order hotline. We missed it during your prede… Mr Trumps departure. It's that one next to the pictures of all your staff."
The President attempts to change the TV Channel"What's wrong with this TV I can't change the channel from Fox?"
"All the other channels were disabled Sir."
"And get rid of this" He pulls a book from a drawer
"What is it?"
"The Dummies Guide to Tweeting…."
@realDonaldTrump Goodreads full comments
@realDonaldTrump Goodreads full comments
"Vlad?" "Don! How are you? Sacked any more Directors yet?" "Give me time." "I've told you time is of the essence don't give them time to think, change continuously." "I know, I know... Is that why you sent me the guide?" "Yes I've updated from last year Kim Sung made some amendments." "I admire him for one so young." "He had good training, like Assad, you really should meet up." "I can't with Assad I just bombed his base." "I know still nothing damaged and you did warn us first so I could tell him." "Shhhh the FBI may be listening?" "So what you have dealt with them now." "No, not quite the temporary one is being nasty about me in congress implying I was wrong." "Then fire him too, or really terminate - its what the rest of us do." "That reminds me, on page two of the guide it says I should assassinate some journalists after I have removed the heads of police." "Yes you need to adapt for your own terminology but get rid of a few journo's and the rest come into line." "I noticed and Erdogan recommended the same." "He's following the same programme, we'll soon have it all sorted." "Shame about Marie." "Yes and after the Dutch fiasco." "The hack was too late." "I've had the head of the team shot for the timing." "If only I had your control." "Back to the FBI, send them in armed and have accidental shooting with terrorism connections always works. Schools, cinemas, underground stations, all works and adds up." "I know you are right. What's next on the agenda." "Germany." "Is she the short fat one?" "Yes, but don't worry about her we still have the Stasi files." "What did she do?" "Nothing you have to worry about Don. Not as bad as the hotel..." "You said you would not mention those again." "Ha Ha just winding you up old friend. Xi says Hi by the way." "I owe him a call need to coordinate message when Kim does his next test." "Will it fail?" "We have not agreed yet. Now South Korea is coming on line maybe we should postpone." "No don't do that we need to keep the tension up. I wish Kim had agreed to that limited strike idea." "He needs to learn from Assad too. Got to keep some world opinion on side." "You are too soft Don, I'll get Ivanka to give you a rub down." "Will she?" "Anything for you Don you know that but ease off on Twitter it makes you look silly." "OK Vlad and thanks for the guide."
"Morning Mr. President" "Morning Sean" "Here's the list Rex sent" "What list?" "The one you asked for with the countries you haven't insulted or accused yet." "But there's only one sheet of paper and there's only two countries listed that's if Burkina Faso is a country?" "I'm told it is Sir." "Who by?" "The State Department." "And you believed them, you sure their not making it up?" "I checked with Andrew Napolitano at Fox, he say's he's heard of it. South America he thinks." "We didn't campaign there." "No Mr. President, South America the continent not south of the USA even though it is, south of the USA I mean." "Are you trying to hoodwink me?" "No Sir, I do need to check because I thought it was in Africa." "You mean we don't know where the country is, what sort of state did Obama let this country get into. Find it out immediately we can't just lose the location of a country!" "I don't think it's moved at all." "Why not? It can move if I want it too. I'm President, Vlad moves bits of countries all the time." "He does not move them Sir he just annexes bits of territory. In Georgia and the Ukraine." "He can't have Georgia we have the Masters there." "The nation Sir not the US State." "There's a difference?" "Sir?" "Never mind, so what do we do with this Faso?" "We can accuse them of harbouring a GCHQ listening post that was used to bug Trump Tower, maybe expel some diplomats." "Sounds good, get to it." "I can't I mean we can't Sir." "Why not?" "We promised the Brits we would not mention GCHQ again or accuse them of spying on you, you told Theresa May you would not nor the NSA." "Remind me, is Theresa the one I met this week the short dumpy one who spoke a foreign language?" "No Sir, that was Angela Merkel the German Chancellor, she wanted to hold your hand like Theresa did." "But she was foreign and somehow she got in the country despite my Immigration order." "Germany is not on the order Sir." "But she is foreign?" "Most people are Sir." "Not Americans." "We best not get into that." "Now Sir I have your daily security briefing, do you want the one from the NSA or your usual one from Fox News." "Can't believe the NSA one its all fake news and tell them I'm upset by them failing to confirm Andrew's story." "I have Sir." "Good, I'll look at it after Sesame Street, who is left on the list? What's the USSR?" "Oh that's just Vlad, he suggested he bring back the old name, a traditional branding opportunity his marketing folk have said." "Clever, I like it so we don't have to insult the USSR." "No Sir, we do not Russia but the USSR that justifies us increasing defence spending." "BUt if the USSR doesn't exist we're insulting no one?" "Exactly Sir." "How are we gonna pay for it all, I mean we don't get enough in tax." "No Sir some people have not paid tax in decades." "It's the American way Sean, I'm not stupid." "No Sir, very clever. I may have a way out." "What?" "Well according to the State Department Briefing Burkina Faso get some US Aid, we can withdraw it." "Great and we have an excuse as they have been spying on us, we can call it unnamed agencies used the place to coordinate spying activity. That won't upset the Angela." "That's Theresa and very good Sir." "What can we spend the money on instead." "A missile." "How many?" "Just one Sir a Hellfire I think. we only gave them a couple of million last year." "Too much, I paid more than that in tax." "No you didn't Sir." "That's because I'm clever." "Yes you are Sir."
"Mr. President great news." "What's happened?" "A judge ruled in our favour." "About time, so the new Exec order is OK then." "Not quite, there's one problem." "What now?" "It's the same judge." "The same one?" "Yeah the one you called an idiot and anti-democratic." "Did I say that?" "You did." "Was I on oath?" "Nope" "Shame I could deny it then, the AG did." "We're working on the statement now." "Try - we're always supportive of the legal process." "But that's not true." "And your point is?"
"Sean" "Mr President." "Good press conference" "I thought so to." "Why no questions though?" "That would have been difficult." ""Why?" "Well Sir I followed your instructions about fake news." "Good so you banned all the organisations that have written a story that was not true." "Yes Sir." "And..." "There's no one left." "No one?" "No one?" "So how are the American people going to hear about all the great things I've been doing?" "I've lined up some replacements they'll be here in the morning if we can get them an exemption." "Oh good, what exemption?" "They're due in school so we need permission to take them out of class and bring them in." "Understandable which college, Yale, Standford?" "No Mr President we have representatives from Washington Kindergarten Grade 1." "Will they be positive?" "As long as they have a choice of colours with the crayons they have asked us to supply."
Shamelessly carried over from a Goodreads forum but wanted a bit more visibility.
Ring ring ring "Please press 1 for current orders, two for new orders three for accounts and four for any other reason" "Rex, is this a new order, I thought we tried to order this last week." "The web site crashed." "I better select two then." Twenty minutes later.... "Customer Service, Blanche speaking how can I help you today we have special offers on roofing and nails for details please see..." Five minutes later "How can I help?" "I'd like to order some bricks" "No problem, Sir, we can do that or you can try on-line" "I couldn't get the site to accept my order." "Sorry about that Sir, I just need to go through a few details." "Well I don't have much time." "It won't take long. Have you ordered from us before." "No, I don't think so." "All our bricks are baked in America and conform to EPA standards." "Good to see American jobs for American people for America let's make it great again." "Quite. What are the bricks for?" "A wall." "Is that a supporting wall, a building wall or a garden wall?" "There's a difference?" "Oh yes they have different properties a building wall might be external facing or interior" "I think it's closest to a garden wall a barrier really." "I see, well we have some basic standard bricks they are 3 and 5/8 by 2 and 1/4 by 8 inches." "Yeah I saw that on the web site." "So how high is your wall going to be?" "Twenty feet." "Wow, that's a big garden wall." "Yep, gonna keep them bad dudes out." "Are you in a high crime area? Can I interest you in our razor wire or intrusion detection systems." "Just the bricks for now." "So you'll need at least 120 rows depending on foundations." "Foundations?" "Yes you'll need to dig down to make sure the wall has solid foundations. You can do that with concrete. It also prevents varmints digging under the wall." "People can tunnel under?" "Normally its raccoons or other pests." "What about Mexicans?" "Sir, no racist profiling please or I'll have to call my supervisor. A wall with good foundations can prevent some tunneling but how deep do you want to go?" Mumbled "Do it with mines or concrete." "I think concrete would be a good idea. We can supply that as well." "Stick to the bricks." "So how long is your wall going to be?" "1,900." "Wow that is big. So we have 1900 feet which is 2850 bricks by 120 high which is 342,000 which is 684 pallets of 500 call it 700 for spares. "Err..." "Mr President..." "Not now Rex." "We discount orders over 50 pallets so I make that 700 at $200 bucks that would be $140,000 that would make my day Sir if you go ahead. I might be able to get an extra 5% off or free delivery. What's the delivery address? "Er lets start in San Diego." "OK do you have a zip?" "Mr President it's 1900 miles not feet?" "What did you say Rex?" "Miles Sir not 1,900 feet." "Oh, sorry Ma'am I got the length wrong it's 1900 miles." "No problem I'll just stick that in the systems..." Very long pause "That's 15,048,000 bricks long by 120 high that's.." "A lot." "1,805,760,000 er I think you may be pulling my leg." "No I'm serious I promised to build it and I'm going to." "Sir the entire US Brick production last year was only about 2 billion bricks" "Is that not enough? I always get confused between billions and millions." "That explains the tax returns." "Shut up Rex."